True North Missionaries Journal

“There is never enough time” has to be one of the most overused sentences I have ever heard…and said. I have come to accept North American culture as the fast paced, stress inducing kind that it is. Ever since I was young, the notion that time was working against me was already engrained in my head.

And now as I try to balance life- prayer time, work, family & friends, sector duties and mission assignments I still feel at time that there is simply not enough time! I would be lying to myself if I didn’t own up to the reality- my reality– that if anything, my prayer time is what takes the hit. But Praise God for this community and its leaders, especially the Full Time Workers for constantly reminding me, reminding us that despite our schedules and agendas Jesus deserves that permanent non-negotiable coffee date. Every day. Regardless of what that day looks like.

My biggest personal struggle has always been my control issues, but in the past year the Lord has really refined and purified my heart so that I can learn when and most importantly how to surrender. I had such a strong desire to imitate the twin hearts- Jesus’ Sacred heart and Mom’s Immaculate Heart because I knew that it would help me grow in my trust for the Lord. Their hearts are a perfect example of what true sacrifice and true surrender looks like. Praise God because so much has happened because of it.

Joy continues to reverberate throughout me even when service gets difficult, frustrating or challenging.

Peace continues to reign in my heart despite the doubts about my vocation press hard on me.

The love in my heart for God and His people continues to grow inside me.

God is a god of order. God is always on control. God is the ultimate Author of time. He is our first beginning and our last end. The fabric of our life He has personally sewn. His pursuit of our hearts will always lead us back to the cross- it is the inescapable route towards His love.

The walk to Calvary is torturous when we carry more than is necessary. Therefore an emptying of ourselves must happen- of our desires, our own plans, our own schedules and personal itineraries. Is that not what our own Mother Mary did? Come to the foot of the cross with absolutely nothing, nothing else but Jesus in her heart.

It has been more fulfilling allowing the Lord to lead my heart and my life. He has filled the past four weeks of my life with far greater plans. I could have never imagined myself to be where I am now. My God is so good to me that He’s not only given me what I need, but he’s also given me so much more than what I thought I wanted for myself. So how could I deny him access to that which He created himself?

What spoke to me in today’s Gospel was about suffering. Jesus showed his disciples that He must suffer greatly. Peter rebuked Him. Jesus said get out of my way you’re not thinking like God, you’re thinking like a human.

With that part of the Gospel I’ve come to believe even more that the act of accepting suffering is divine. A life of embracing suffering is a life full of the divine One. I think when we embrace suffering we participate in His greatness and His divinity. It’s because satan does not want me to become more divine, more like God! Satan really is smart, to disguise suffering as something so dreadful, tiring and agonizing. It’s no wonder I’m tempted so much to avoid and run away from suffering to choose comfort and what’s easier. But what a beautiful path the Lord has shown us, where divinity awaits us in suffering. What a challenge it is to become holy, to embrace suffering every moment of every day, to take up my cross daily! But I guess it’s only expected from a divine challenge, right? Hahaha!

House of Gold, pray for us
Totus tuus

Dear Jesus, help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that all my life may only be a radiance of Yours. Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel Your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only Jesus! Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as You shine, so to shine as to be a light to others; the light, O Jesus, will be all from You; none of it will be mine: it will be You shining on others through me. Let me thus praise You in the way You love best: by shining on those around me. Let me preach You without preaching, not by words, but by my example, by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what I do, the evident fullness of the love my heart bears to You

Amen

St. Rose of Lima, pray for us.
St. Faustina, pray for us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

The Lord has blessed me with His affirming presence in my life. Over the past 4 months, there have been many times where I would stop and think, God You are too good to me! Of course, there were many moments of frustration, tiredness, confusion and what have you, but all I had to do was remind myself that it is a privilege to serve God. He is so present in the relationships, in the moments of silence, in the moments of chaos and it’s all about me just opening my eyes, my ears but more importantly my heart to be aware of it. He wants me to experience His intimate joy. And when I say intimate joy, I mean intimate joy. The joy becomes so personal and so timely. These moments have reminded me that my YES to mission was not just a yes to serving God in the community, but a YES to embracing God’s mission for me – for my life (see Mt. 28:19-20). My entire life, every aspect of it, has now become my mission. Praise God for an overflow of His joy 🙂

about a month and some weeks ago, we had our first campus based household. in the service meeting we had prior to it, all four of us (Niccolo and I plus our CCs) thought it was very fitting to keep it light – the consensus was we would try our hardest not to get too serious. It was the first household afterall, and the goal was to get to know one another better.

we basically had a predetermined set of questions that ranged from the ridiculous, as in, is Hash Brown the long lost brother of Chris Brown?, mundane ones like what’s your ideal vacation?, and a few that are more CFC-Y in nature. for example, which character from the Bible do you most identify with? before we started the activity, we allowed everyone to write their own questions. they were then placed in the fanny pack and as the fanny pack was passed around, everyone had to pick one to answer.

going into the household, therefore, my mentality was that it was going to be light and refreshing – something I sorely needed from the monotony of working with spreadsheets and things from the past that are making their presence known and felt yet again.

we had worship in the beginning and although I didn’t read it out loud to the entire group, the verse I first saw when I opened my Bible was:

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. – Luke 12:2

so much for keeping things light.

the fanny pack for serious travelling became known as the fanny pack of truth because of the 6 questions I got, 4 were on the serious side (the people present in that household can attest to this). the questions really forced me to reflect and to dig deep within. some of the questions were so heavy that at one point, I was telling them to let me pass a turn or trade a question with someone else because I didn’t think I could answer anymore. eerily, the verse above precisely described how the night was for me.

later that night as I was reflecting on the experience, I realized that as uncomfortable as that household was for me, God used it as a way to remind me of three things I tend to take for granted. as an MV, three things I know He knows I need as I continue to discern for my vocation.

one, God always speaks to us but we have to be sensitive to the leading of the spirit in order to understand what He’s telling us. I should’ve taken the Bible verse as God’s way of telling me to be prepared to share. or a sign to excuse myself from the household and hide in the bathroom the entire night (LOLJK).

two, God’s timing is always perfect. it may have taken 6 months for me to open up but after each answer came a sense of relief and a feeling of peace; a feeling I know is only possible when God is guiding my steps and is with me. it may sound weird but it’s the exact feeling I got after I handed in my MV application, when I started my post grad program, when I said yes to service roles in the past, and a bunch of other stuff that led to nothing but the best for me.

three, I sometimes fail to see God’s answer to my prayers because it didn’t come in the form I was expecting it to come. see, ever since I became program head, I’ve been praying for the grace and courage to let me open up and tell my lower household stuff. I suppose picking those questions from the #fannypackoftruth and being forced to answer them was God’s way of telling me, “I know you have a hard time opening up. and I know you share when you’re asked directly or when you think it’s in the proper context. so here ya go, Sab! the perfect opportunity to tell them things without you having to initiate it.”

thank you for Your plans and being there for me. may I always remember that Your timing is perfect and Your answer to my prayers will sometimes be in ways I’ve never imagined or thought possible- but that’s okay; because Lord God, You know what’s best for me. may I be sensitive enough to hear Your voice and Your will for me amidst all the distractions and everything else that’s trying to divert my attention away from You.

“Simplicity is nothing but an act of charity pure and simple, which has but one sole end—-that of gaining the love of God. Our soul is then truly simple, when we have no aim at all but this, in all we do.” –  St. Francis de Sales

Nothing says it better than a true saint reminding me how simple the love of our Lord is.  I am thankful for all that happened for the past couple of months and really value the friends I have come to know.  St. Francis de Sales pray for us.

The moment a missionary starts thinking only about himself, it’s the start of the end of mission. When we think only of our emotions and feelings, quitting becomes easier. “This is what I feel right now, injustice had been done to me, I don’t like it, I cannot accept that…” I, I, and I… There is no future in mission if it’s only “I”. “I need my time…” but I am fulltime! I had been slapped by it many times in order for me to wake up because yes, I am fulltime. I do need some rest and some time for myself… my emotions get affected too, I do get hurt, Fulltimes are not supermen however, at the end of the day we know what we forego. The moment we answered this call we forego our rights to ourselves. The moment we wear the cloak of mission, we already carry Christ in us and forego of ourselves. This means, everything is secondary, even our own deepest desires, comforts and rights.

Yes we need time for ourselves and need to be respected at times but all these and more are secondary to Christ and His mission. We may as well be reminded of Saint Paul who is his letter to the Corinthians said, “ But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

That is why, on the other hand, leaders must be prayerful and discerning because we cannot play around with the mission, assigning missionaries somewhere without deep prayer and discernment. Lives are affected and future changed here. Leaders must look deeper into each missionaries under them with the eyes of faith, taking into account there personal struggles and shortcomings with grace, so that they can truly journey with them, because for leaders (those handling other missionaries), missionaries are there own mission. So while, missionaries forego of themselves, they are at peace with the thought that there leaders are praying and discerning sincerely for them. Obedience becomes easier because there is an exchange of goodness and grace.

Lord, grant us the grace to understand Your Will in our lives so that we can do your mission with you as our focus and not ourselves. Amen.