True North Missionaries Journal

During last Sunday’s homily, something the priest said had struck me. He said that during our difficult moments we ask God, “Are you God, or not?” How many times have we done this ourselves? Looked up at the heavens and cried as our families were torn apart, as someone dear to us became ill, as we felt isolated or hurt…

Oftentimes during our difficulties we look up and we cry, “Aren’t you God? Are you just sitting there watching me hurt? Aren’t you going to do something?” How can a God who is all-knowing and all-powerful allow me to experience these things when He supposedly loves me? How can a God who can stop the pain continue to allow me to hurt?

Are you God, or not? These words were yelled at our Lord almost two thousand years ago while He helplessly hung there on the cross. “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself!  He’s the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him.” (Matt. 27:42-43). But although He could have saved Himself, He chose not to, because He knew it was only through His suffering that He will be able to save us. It is in our own suffering that we must trust that God is not simply watching us; He is right there with us, holding us and asking for us to trust Him. Trust that what we might believe to be His indifference towards our pain, is in fact His way of showing us that it is through this very pain that we are drawn closer to Him and His suffering… and similar to the way He had on that fateful Friday afternoon, it is through this pain that He is helping us achieve our ultimate goal of joining Him in Heaven.

Jesus, I trust in You.

Divided. Distracted. Detached. This is what I’ve been for the past few months.

Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I haven’t really been myself lately. In a conscious effort to remain cautious and vague in sharing personal details of my life on the internets, I’ll just say that I was going through one of the most intense struggles of choice that I’ve ever experienced.

In spite of the uncertain state that I found myself in day in and day out for the past few months, I continued to ACT like myself. I would try — to the very best of my abilities — to continue being the pensive, sometimes awkward, sometimes surprisingly offensive, externally considerate and internally inconsiderate person (all the while feeling naturally inclined to fight my nature) that I’ve grown into over my 26 years of life.

But I was never really here.
Where have I gone?

—

I used to believe that satisfaction of circumstance could be reinforced by choice, and while this can be valid in some situations, relying on this mindset as a means to ultimate satisfaction has only led me to feeling lost in my own ability to make choices.

Recent and significant life conflicts (and I’m continuing to remain intentionally vague), have caused quite a stir in my prayer life lately. So at the suggestion of an important brother in my life, I chose to not dwell on the choices I had to make, and instead just focus on what the Lord wants for me.

So. A few weeks ago, in a moment of complete surrender (again, remaining vague), the Lord made it abundantly clear that my decisions mean nothing, and that what He’s given me is worth everything.

And now I’m back. I’m here.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

…so how did I see Him rise?

I saw Him rise because during the week when it mattered the most, transpo&hosting didn’t have much glitches and mishaps. At least not as many as we were expecting. Prior to our D-day, everything and anything that could go wrong went wrong. Everything. It was so bad that minutes before I got picked up from my house to go to the airport, we were still in a meeting fixing the transpo&hosting list to make sure everyone was accounted for and the hosts’ requests regarding the amount of people they were available to host in their homes and the specific days they could host were honoured as well.

I saw Him rise through the hosts who so willingly opened their homes to delegates travelling from other provinces and cared for them as if they were their own children. I saw Him rise through the youth who took time off their busy schedules to drive the delegates around town and took it upon themselves to act as our personal tour guides so we can better appreciate the beauty that is British Columbia.

I saw Him rise through the volunteer drivers who didn’t complain about flights being delayed, throwing them off their schedules. Some were even forced to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure no one was stranded in the airport even though they had to go to work at 7 in the morning. These drivers  also didn’t mind the long drive and the multiple trips they had to take from the airport to the delegates’ host houses or to the UBC, and vice versa.

I saw Him rise through the team I was privileged to work with. Nikki, Gyan, and Kevin selflessly gave their time in order to make sure everyone who requested for hosting had a home to stay in and someone to bring them there. Due to the different time zones we were all in, our meetings would usually start 9:30 or 10pm PST and go until 2, sometimes 2:30am PST. Most of the time we would have to deal with people who would not reply to our emails/texts/requests to confirm and clarify their flight details and hosting needs. Through all the obstacles and road blocks we faced, I don’t remember hearing a complaint from anyone. In our meetings especially as D-day grew closer and closer, the stress and anxiety levels were unsurprisingly, at an all time high. Despite all that, we would manage to crack a few jokes as well as some sassy comments here and there to keep everyone’s spirits upbeat and to wake those who were feeling tired or sleepy. If one of us sensed that another person was having a hard time and was losing patience regarding the lack of responses, we made sure that we were there for them. As a group, we reminded one another to find Christ in all that we do and in all that we have to serve to make the service easier to bear.

It’s been about 3 weeks since the TNC and up to now, I’m in awe and am amazed of how He manifested His power not only because of how transpo&hosting turned out but also because of how He worked in and through us to take care of His people. Despite ourselves. Despite our limitations. I’m grateful because by asking me to serve in this capacity, I was able to discover just how patient (and sassy, LOL) I can really be and how much more I can love (metro region, especially). More importantly, it has shown me the wonders that can happen when one  puts all their hope in Him and in His faithfulness.

I find myself every once in a while to remind myself to listen.

Why?

Because the world is noisy.

But when you find that time to be silent, to be set apart from the world and really just sit and listen, the Lord will reveal so much to you. The prayer you have been praying really does get answered. You just need to be willing to listen. So this past week I have been really trying to just listen and the following are some reflections of what I experienced while listening.

These past few weeks I have been praying for many things. But I will touch upon 2 things that I have been specifically praying for in regards to my service to the Lord.

My love life and my family.

Last Friday I attended a wedding. I really enjoy wedding mass because the priest always has something awesome to say to inspire the groom and bride and give them hope for the future.

He said that everyone that to get married, everyone has to go through 3 different doors.

The first door is the Door of Loneliness.
When you walk through this door you realize that you are lonely without the other.

The second door is the Door Without A Name.
When you walk through this door, you see that you are facing an uncertain future. That whatever will be, will be. But because you have each other there is nothing to be afraid of because your decisions will be for the other and with the other.

The third door is the Door Without Condition.
As you walk through this door you realize that there are no conditions to love this other person, other than to just simply love.

Is this not the way we come to love the Lord? It is something that came to mind as the priest was preaching. Although this may have been directed to the soon-to-be married couple I couldn’t help but think that the Lord just wants me to focus on my relationship with Him and put everyone else in “the friend zone“. I have already been affirmed that I will be married one day but now is not the time for that.

If you put the things important to God first, He will take care of the things important to you.

And that’s what I’m going to do.

The following day I went to mass with my brother. For those who know me and my family they would know that it’s only recently that I started going to mass with my family. This mass was so awesome. The gospel reading was taken from Matthew 14: 22-33 but I was more focused on verses 27 and so on.

Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.
Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

The presiding priest is actually a bishop from a diocese in India and he came to do some mission work. His homily was all about mission and how ‘you and I have a mission. God has a plan that we should be the mission. You and I baked in the Holy spirit of Christ. God is purifying us everyday.’

Through out his homily he also preached that we need to be sensitive to the Lord when he speaks because sometimes ‘God whispers. Fight, don’t walk away.’

Lately my other prayer has been for my family. The thought of leaving my family to do mission work has something that I haven’t let go of until this day at mass. After mass I asked my brother if we could just stay for 5 minutes to just pray. So we both knelt and this woman in front of us turned around and started speaking to my brother. Then a little whisper stirred my heart.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got this.”

As soon as I heard this, I started to tear. I have never teared in a church before, but this day I felt like everything that was said was just for me. And everything I heard was just what I needed to hear. The Lord will provide for my family, I just need to have faith and trust in the Lord, that he will take care of my family. I just need to worry about my current responsibilities and commitments and allow God to put my life in order.

I will leave you all with this quote from the bishop of India and what he said at the end of his homily.

“The Good Lord is standing at your door, and knocking.
Let your light shine before others.
Pray with persistence, with thanksgiving, without ceasing.
Share, care, grow, love and live.”

And with that may God be praised.

Sometimes life seems to have me in a constant state of being overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed by the many things I have to do.

Being overwhelmed by my responsibilities  as a son, a brother, a missionary, a friend, a household head, a leader, and the list goes on.

I’m sure many of us can relate to this feeling in at least one occasion.

I went to mass today and I realized i couldn’t focus. I was listening but i couldn’t process anything because I was thinking of the things I have yet to do.

I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and it’s gotten progressively worse since I became a mission volunteer. I’m trying to think about so many things at once that I overload my thoughts.

I was talking to a brother today and the Lord really spoke to me through him. He said “I really need to focus more”. The truth is I really need to focus more.

The thing about focusing is that you cant focus on many different things. The whole point of focusing is to find a focal point in which to center your attention.

The only true focal point that we should have in our lives is God and nothing else. I truly believe that He is calling me to focus on Him. To see through all the things in my life as I look at him in all His glory; simply because everything that we are and everything that we do is for His greater glory.

To focus is not to ignore the things that are happening in your life but to face the realities of it; to taste, see, and experience God through it. This is what he is calling me to do moving forward.

Everything we do should be for Christ. Only then can you consider yourself focused.

 

 

When I was in Grade 10, a doctor told me I was forming nodules (or polyps) in my vocal cords. This explained my raspy voice but I continued to do my regular thing: sing, shout when I play sports, and talk whenever I wanted to.

I was anointed to serve Music Min in 2013 and found myself being able to sing without much of a problem. I’d yell when I’m playing hockey and my voice would be fine. However, in late 2013, something happened. I lost my voice after the North American Leaders’ Summit. It doesn’t sound serious but I never would have realized what would happen next.

After 10 months (and counting), my voice hasn’t fully recovered. If you talk to me or hear me talk, it’s more raspy than usual. Sometimes it’s inaudible. I almost always have to have a glass of water beside me. Even with that, I find it difficult to talk. I have to repeat myself often. I can’t yell anymore. My voice is so weak that if I were to sing during a worship, my voice would be gone after the first song. If I am giving a talk, or giving a share, I’d have a hard time communicating because my voice would just shut down. Not to mention, there’s physical discomfort when I use my voice and I’m usually disheartened by my inability to talk or sing.

During my provincial immersion in the Philippines, I brought these concerns to the Lord. I asked Him to take this problem away from me because it was limiting me from being able to be effective in what He has called me to do in the mission. And at the most basic level, I wanted Him to take it away so I can just go back to being normal. However, instead of taking it away He reminded me:

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

At this moment, I was affirmed that I am called to share God’s love and faithfulness at all times, regardless of my condition. My anointing as a FTPW, a missionary, a child of God, is something that goes beyond my ability to use my voice.  I am reminded that God enables me to do everything, even something as simple as talking. He will equip me with what I need when I need it. It’s His will, not mine. It’s His voice, not mine.

I still pray for my voice to go back to normal because I know it would help me communicate better and allow me to share my passion in music with others. But after 10 months of this condition, I’ve fully accepted that I am called to do His work no matter what. Where there’s a will, there’s a way – especially when it’s His will.

 

 

How many times have I heard the common complaint, “I have so many things to do,” or “I have so many things on my mind,” leading up to the bottom line, “It/ He/ She/ This is SO INCONVENIENT! …It’s just not the right timing.” These words have almost become a staple phrase in our every-day lives, and it is often passively said, but completely meant. I have even caught myself saying these things a few times… and maybe one too many.

“This is so INCONVENIENT!”

When one lives in complete trust in the Lord, the last line can never prove to be more true than ever: “It’s just not the right timing!” YES. This becomes true because it really isn’t the right timing anymore, but rather, PERFECT TIMING. The Lord works in PERFECT TIMING, and no matter how “inconvenient” that moment may be, it is a revelation that the Lord waits to reveal to us. But if we’re caught up in the complaints or the attitude of carrying a burden, then our hearts will never notice how the Lord has intricately placed His Presence in that moment.

“Inconvenience” is a blessing.

We are given moments where we are uncomfortable and/or put to the test so that we can learn to combat the uneasiness with complete, submissive trust. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and rely not on your own insight.” (Proverbs 3: 5) Often times, the reason why it feels inconvenient is because we are afraid or unsure of the task that lies ahead. Often times, it is more because we really just don’t know, or the journey that lays ahead seems impossible and then we end up making the important thing – because it is challenging – the last priority. But this is where it becomes a blessing. When we let go of those fears, those thoughts and those anxieties and DECIDE to move forward, regardless, that is the moment where we can say, “I am walking and living in hope, love and FAITH.” 

When it comes to the Lord, NOTHING WILL EVER BE INCONVENIENT. In fact, with God, we will always see that everything is given to us IN CONVENIENCE because we carry an understanding that whether or not it is something we can do or not, or something we’d like to do or not, it is an anointing because He has carefully chosen us to be a piece of the plan He has set so carefully and so precisely. Therefore, our only response to this blessing can only be a response in choice…

We must CHOOSE to SAY YES to THE THINGS/ TASKS HE HAS ANOINTED US WITH, without conditions, without complaints, without hesitation, but with prayer and a grateful heart.

With this attitude, we will then see that God is Who makes all things convenient in our lives. He becomes our Convenience, and in this, we can say…

When we live with the Lord deeply in our hearts, we live only IN Convenience, and nothing less.

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