True North Missionaries Journal

It’s been a really long time since I wrote a blog. I’ve just been really busy with so many things, but I know this shouldn’t be an excuse to not write one. This summer has been one of the busiest times of my year, considering all the conferences and events happening. I pretty much said yes to everything that I was asked to do. I said yes to leading Music Ministry for TNC, I said yes to doing a creative for the CFC Conference, I said yes in being a part of the production team for the CFC Conference, I said yes to doing some trainings, and I said yes to so many other things, not only in service but also at work. Praise God for all these opportunities to serve and glorify the Lord, but one thing I learned from it is, sometimes, it’s okay to say no.

Matthew 5:37 Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

I was reminded by a brother a couple of days ago about the meaning of saying yes. He said, “Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.” This line actually hit me because I have the habit of just saying yes to everything, even though it seems unrealistic for me to do so, or it will be difficult for me. I think this is what the Lord has been trying to tell me this whole summer. If i said yes to one thing, it means saying no to another. I can’t really say yes to everything because without our NOs our YESs mean nothing.

Saying no to a service doesn’t mean that we are not glorifying the Lord. In fact, we are opening new doors to other people. Our NOs could be their YESs. Or even better, our NOs could be God’s YES to working through us.

Last TNC, one of the messages that struck me was the message given by Kuya Noli. He said during his talk, where our limits end is where God’s grace begins. When we realize that we can’t do something, that’s when God can work through us because we depend not on our own strength but on God’s strength.

Sometimes, saying no to something will allow us to let God do the work. It will allow us to not depend on what we can do but depend on what God wants us to do. Saying no also means that it’s not yet the time that the Lord has planned. It is simply us saying, “No, Lord, I’ll have it Your way, not my way; in Your time, not mine.” Sometimes, saying no is okay.

Lord, please guide our hearts to follow what You want us to follow. Allow our yes be our yes in glorifying you, and our no be our way in allowing You to take control. Amen.

It’s crazy what we will do for love. It’s crazy what others will do to seek a deep relationship with a significant other, to be able to fall asleep on the phone knowing that the person on the other side fell asleep with you in mind. It’s nice knowing that someone has your back emotionally and that someone is always thinking of you.

Right now my heart is everywhere. It is overjoyed at the victory that was True North Conference, with all the friendships I made and revelations given to me that weekend. It is burning with the desire to pursue full time pastoral work, to evangelize, and to glorify the Lord by my life. It is also marvelling at the success of completing the Bachelor of Education program at UBC no matter how hard the struggles and how numerous the trials.

But it is also tied down, bruised, beaten by everything else around me. It’s hard being the bread-winner for the family when I am so limited in the hours I get at work. It’s a struggle when you have two of your high school principals say just give them a call when the program is over so that they can get you into the Catholic education system right way but you can’t really apply for anything right now because you can’t print out the transcripts to apply to said jobs due to the fact that you still owe an outstanding amount for tuition. It’s hard not having a license because unfortunately you crashed the family car when you still had your L and are afraid to go back to the licensing office to inquire about getting it again. But, I think it’s super, ridiculously hard wanting the best for your ex-girlfriend but also being jealous that she was able to move on so quickly and have another guy to pursue her who, from the sounds of him, is perfect for her and even better than I could ever be (self-perception, yes).

But in all of these things, I have a heart that simply desires the will of the Lord because I know that what He wants of me is what is best for me. There are so many times though that I fail to see this. I fail to acknowledge that my heart is worth something to Him no matter what state it is in. That the Lord will use me in my brokenness to bring Him the greater glory.

Lord, allow me to use my situation to bless others.

I love You and I need You, Lord. Mama Mary, help me to see my worth. Papa Joseph, pray for me that I may truly be the man I am needed to be with my family and friends, in my leadership, in my lifestyle, in my livelihood, and, most especially, in my love life.

If one gives answer before hearing, it is folly and shame

Proverbs 18:13

 

I’ve always saw myself as someone who would always have my own sense of “living loud”. All my life, I have found an interest in speaking. Even in elementary school I always entered the “Speech Arts” Competitions happening around all the province. I love to speak. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes even when I observe some of the FTPW’s, they’re so calm! Such a light voice but with a presence of a wide open heart. I always wondered why I find that in them.

So, these last few weeks have been a bit of a challenge. I really found myself at the edge of achieving a sense of humility and that if I failed in that I would fall ever so quickly to the biggest sense of pride. 

Long story short, it was the first time I really had argued with someone in the longest time. Though I kept my composure, I was my usual self. Loud as a lion. Full of energy in the way I spoke, trying so desperately to have that energy be reciprocated as if everything I said was right.

Long story short, as much as I was quick to respond back, even with a heart of good intentions…I was told that it was more intimidating that I let my mouth be an instrument of pride. That I let my mouth be as loud as a lion, but I wasn’t living loud with a heart of a brother.

I immediately was told by the Lord,

“Listen. Live loud in faith. Live loud in action. Let me do the speaking.”

ANYWAYS, back to the whole observation of the calm posture that I’ve been able to observe in our beautiful FTPW’s…I can see why.

It really does help having a calming heart. If anything, we’ve been taught to hear that the Lord speaks in the silence of our hearts…not much through our own mouths. Imagine how much more fruitful conversations would be if we took the time to seek the Lord in the listening we do with others.

I’m not broken about this. In fact, if it wasn’t for having that argument, I would have never found out that the Lord never wanted me to be as loud as a lion, but to have the fearless, courageous, loyal and faithful heart of one. 

Thank You Lord for the 24 years of my life. May I do nothing, but allow You to work in my every thought, desire, and every little detail in my soul. May I continue to learn to listen. To speak only of You. To allow who I cross in my service, to see the victory of Your cross in their lives. 

Deo Gloria. 

 

St. Cyril of Alexandria, Father and Doctor of the Church, wrote: “If the poison of pride swells up in you, turn to the Eucharist; and that Bread, which is your God humbling and disguising Himself, will teach you humility. If the fever of selfish greed rages in you, feed on this Bread; and you will learn generosity. If the cold wind of selfishness and self-interest saddens you, hasten to the Bread of angels; and charity will come to blossom in your heart. If you feel the itch of intemperance, nourish yourself with the Flesh and Blood of Christ, who practiced heroic self-control during His earthly life; and you will become temperate. If you are lazy and sluggish about spiritual things, strengthen yourself with this Heavenly Food; and you will grow fervent. Lastly, if you feel scorched by the fever of impurity, go to the Banquet of the angels; and the immaculate Flesh of Christ will make you pure and chaste.”

-p. 59, Jesus Our Eucharistic Love

On Monday, I gave a teaching to the SFCs here in Vancouver on discernment. I did not question the discernment of my pastoral heads who gave me this talk because I really think this is exactly what I needed. I spent a weekend working through this talk – wondering what points I needed to emphasize, making sure my animations are on point, that my jokes were inserted properly and subtly throughout my talk.

The day of the teaching, I had to be at work. I had no time to review my talk going from work to the venue. Buses and skytrains were full so I couldn’t exactly pull out my talk outline and make sure that my powerpoint was okay. And to be honest, going into it, I was not totally confident in giving it.

After being prayed over and having our teaching night delayed a little bit, I was able to ask God simply to let His Spirit speak through me. And I heard Him say this:

God wants nothing from us but us.

God doesn’t just make us go through our daily struggles, our favourite sins, and be done with us. He doesn’t send us to court a sister/be courted by a brother and then in a couple months time realize that he/she is not the One and abandon us. He doesn’t call us to serve for TNC to the fullest only to leave us by our lonesome when all is said and done. He wants us, totally and completely. Especially in discernment, He wants to be included in our choices between the good and greater good, the greater good being His will for us. If we choose the greater good, brothers and sisters, why can’t we trust that the Lord will bless us in the fullest because we chose what He wants for us?

“This is my cry, my one desire, just to be where You are Lord, now and forever.”

Let us remember, brothers and sisters, that when we are faced with difficult decisions, Jesus Christ faced the most difficult decision of all. Let us also remember the words He spoke in the garden of Gethsemane when we offer our choices, our will, to God:

“Yet not what I want, but what You want.” – Matthew 28:39

 

So many times have I desired something or wanted something, knowing that a part of that desire is rooted in pride, or a part of that desire carries a little greed. Sometimes, maybe a lot.

"I can't help but feel this way; I'm only human..."

“BECAUSE I’M HUMAN,” I have found it challenging cause sometimes, I catch myself wanting more … AND MORE… AND MORE. And I justify it, saying, “BECAUSE I’M HUMAN.” What I find I have forgotten in these moments is the simplest thing (and I’ve heard it many times before).

I am human, because AS A CHILD OF GOD, He loved me enough to give me life.

I am human, but I am also a child of God. I am not only a human being called to humanness; in my humanness, I am a child of God called to divinity, like her Father. Therefore, “I am only human,” cannot be an excuse.

Yes, there are things in life that I want.
Yes, often times I don’t get them.
Yes, being human, I’m allowed to be sad about it.
But as a child of God, I am called to acceptance… true acceptance… one that brings Peace.
As a child of God…

My only purpose is to serve the Lord in whichever way He calls me to…

…(even if it’s) in any sort of nothingness. In fact, I rejoice in the emptiness of my self, for it is in that emptiness, I can be filled with His Spirit – His leading. All else that follows this service is a blessing.

Therefore, in everything I have, I am blessed simply because I HAVE.

I love coffee.
And this is why.
This is a story of when girl meets coffee…

It starts in its most natural form, exposed and unripe…naked before the sun. A green bean. Raw.

August 2010 – Alive Conference, UBC

I sat backstage
Conference was nearly over and
I continued to question why I was here

Why did the Lord allow me to come to Vancouver
Despite my hardened heart
I allowed the song to penetrate through my ear and into my heart

“Send me Lord and I will go to the place you have prepared”

At that moment
as my heart slowly thawed
I heard the Lord whisper loudly in my ear

“Hannah, I have great plans for you…Far greater than you can imagine!”

I could not deny
The Lord’s loud whisper
And only few days later I was on the airplane

As I watched it take-off
I could not hold my tears
I did not know where the Lord was taking me next

I felt challenged…but comforted
I knew in my heart that this was not the last
That from this moment things will no longer be same…

In its vulnerability and openness to the sun, it allows itself to roast. The bean expands to nearly double its size, changes in colour, and in density. Roasted.

May 14, 2014 – On the plane Heading to Vancouver after training

As I remained seated
With my hands clasped together in prayer
I noticed my chestnut tone, a reminder of where I’ve been

My shoulder leaned against the side of the plane as
I peered out the half-opened window
I recalled the last three months I spent in the heat

Where the Lord
Humbled me, pushed me, and loved me
Where He stretched, revived, and solidified my heart

I was also brought back to the first time I travelled to Vancouver
I smiled and my smile remained sketched on my face
As an array of trees, reaching to the sky seemed to catch my eye

Great plans, far greater than what I can imagine
Though I may not know what awaits me
At that moment the Lord called me to enjoy His presence

After it is grinded. If it is ground too finely, it will produce a bitter taste. If it is ground too coarsely, it will produce a faint and weak taste, with a thin consistency. The beans need to be ground perfectly. Ground.

July 20, 2014 – Last Day TNC Ignite: See Thee Rise

This was the first conference where The Lord disturbed my heart, the way He did
He reminded me that, He will never be finished with me
That this was only the beginning

I thought I could love, but He stretched my heart even more
I thought I was whole, but He tore me into pieces
I thought I knew, but He reminded me that I know nothing

He grounded me

So as I stood in His presence
Amongst 1300 plus individuals
Though my heart was disturbed, I was filled with so much joy

So much freedom
So much hope
So much trust

I worshipped proudly wearing my purple flower crown
My yellow heart and
My rosary in my hand

The Lord is grounding me here
Where it all started
Where the trees touch the sky

I was at peace

With not knowing
With where the Lord is calling me to be day by day
With His simple message

“Do not be fooled by the physiology of your heart, for what it contains cannot be contained…”

The pieces of the ground beans sit in the filter, as boiling water is being poured through. Purifying and filtering the liquid in preparation for consumption. Brewed, shared, and consumed.

August 14, 2014 – 2 shoots of espresso, hot water

As I sat by the window of the coffee shop
I leaned forward
To admire the coffee that was placed in front of me

Raw, roasted, ground and brewed

Just like our hearts
Coffee was made to be shared
We were made to love

So as I sip and enjoy my cup of coffee in its simplest form
At that moment, I realize why I love coffee so much
Simply because

The beauty of its journey

I love coffee.
And this is why.
This is a story of when girl meets God…