True North Missionaries Journal

They say it is easier to understand someone if you are or you’ve been in the same boat as he is. Maybe it is true. But sometimes it is just difficult to give words of encouragement, especially if you haven’t found answer yet to your own question of why such things happen to you. And how will I uplift his spirit and tell him to have faith if I myself am giving up hope?

When I got the sad news from a friend this morning about his parent, all I wanted to do was to hug him and let him feel that we are here for him. It was so hard to find the right words, so I prayed that God may use me to say the words that he needs, and let him feel that he and his family are not alone in the battle… that there is hope… that God is with them… that nothing is impossible and that God is the greatest healer.

My tears just started to roll down my face as I typed all those words. First, it’s because I felt him, I felt his burden and his pain. Second, because I started to think of the same situation in our family and then asked myself, “Am I even convinced of the words I told him?” That’s when God started to speak.

I have a brother who has been sick for 7 years now. It is the biggest struggle our family faces right now. There’s no cure, that’s what the doctors say. It’s a test of faith… a test of patience. The first time I heard about his illness, I looked back at his younger years. People who know him will surely agree if I say that he’s a good role model – as a son, as a brother, a friend, a husband and a father. And I couldn’t help but ask God lots of why’s. But not even one of those got answered. Maybe He didn’t want to answer? Maybe He’s answering but I just got tired of waiting? Maybe HE answered but I didn’t listen? I am not sure anymore.

And here’s a friend who got struck of his dad’s condition. I am not sure if I was able to say the right words that he needs to hear. But one thing is for sure: God is using his situation to remind me of one thing: that our family is not alone in the battle… that there is hope… that God is with us… that nothing is impossible and that He is the Greatest Healer. He knows what He is doing. He knows what’s best. He answers prayers. He makes things happen.

We keep saying that “God has a reason why He allows things to happen”… It is hard to believe when we are in the midst of a storm. Everything just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes it seems like we’re just running in circles, trying to grasp the answers to our why’s. But again this is the test of faith. If nothing comes really clear to us, if God’s reason and purpose aren’t revealed to us yet, He wants us to trust Him with His one big reason for now: Because He Loves Us.

About a week ago someone asked me, “why are you catholic?”

Whenever I get asked this question, I automatically think of the Eucharist.

The catholic church teaches us that “the Holy Eucharist is Jesus Christ giving his Body and Blood – himself – for us, so that we too might give ourselves to him in love and be united with him in Holy Communion.” This is said in the YOUCAT which is the Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church.

When at mass the bread and wine at the altar are not symbols of the Body and Blood of Christ. It is the REAL DEAL. It IS JESUS CHRIST and He is truly alive and present in our lives. He is simply waiting for us at church; to take 1 hour out of our busy schedules and spend it with Him.

In my opinion, I believe that He deserves more than just an hour of our time. The other day I went to confession and the priest responded by saying “kneel”. The posture of your body can easily communicate to others the posture of your heart. When we kneel, we are saying to the Lord that we adore Him. Just by simply kneeling we are already communicating our prayers to God. A few years ago, you would never see me kneeling in front of the Eucharist before and after mass. Now I love going to mass early and staying later because I know that it is time that is with the Lord.

All the Lord wants is to be in a relationship with you.

He already initiated it.

How will you respond?

Nowadays, when someone asks me “why are you catholic?” I answer…

Jesus is my homeboy!

I stared out from the balcony of the place that I was staying at in Batangas, Philippines, searching the sky for stars. I searched deeper and waited, expecting that since we were out in the province in Philippines, I would be able to see a full sky of stars. To my disappointment, I could see none. So I decided to stare out and further into the night sky. At first, I couldn’t see anything, but as a waited longer, I began to see a tree at a distance. Then the image began to expand and I was beginning to see the other trees surrounding it. And as I waited longer, I caught sight of a lightning flash, which then outlined the silhouette of the treeline surrounding me. It was as if Someone had been painting a masterpiece on a special kind of canvas. I admired this for quite some time and then left to go swimming in an outdoor pool with my cousins. As I laid afloat on my back, staring into the night sky, little by little, the stars began to reveal themselves. Then, I realized that at that moment, I had found what I had been searching for – to simply see the sky full of stars. It just didn’t happen when I expected it to.

Our faith journeys are often like this. We search and pray for something specific, only to find ourselves feeling like we’ve received a different answer or result from what we had expected. Yet, who are we to say that what we receive isn’t the perfect answer? Or who are we to believe so strongly that the answer must come now? In the same way I searched for the stars, standing with such conviction that I would 100% see them because of where I was, there are times where the setting of things in our lives will lead us to stand too confidently that the result will be a certain way. But in the same way I was proven wrong, we will also be proven wrong in those moments. However, it is not to say that what we expected or sought after is ‘wrong’; it might simply mean that there is something better.

If I gave up and walked back inside after not seeing the stars, would I have seen the way the trees drew out in the dark? Would I have been able to see the rare silhouette of the surrounding tree lines? I had to be patient in waiting, and quick to catch the glimpse of light in a specific moment. This is the same attitude we are called to carry in faith… Despite of the unexpected answers or ‘disappointing’ moments, we must never let our guard down and always be attentive to the glimpses of light His Spirit reveals to see the greater beauty of the things He has already set before us. We must be brave to be strong in the way of the Lord and not of the human heart alone.

“At this also my heart trembles,
and leaps out of its place.
Hearken to the thunder of his voice
and the rumbling that comes from his mouth.
Under the whole heaven he lets it go,
and his lightning to the corners of the earth.
After it his voice roars;
he thunders with his majestic voice
and he does not restrain the lightnings when his voice is heard. 
God thunders wondrously with his voice;
he does great things which we cannot comprehend.”
(Job 37: 1-5)

Some things just aren’t meant to be understood. Some things are only meant to be for the Lord to know, alone. And there are some things, like that stars I searched for, that may be beautiful and good and will be revealed by Him in our lives… in His time. So in the meantime, we must find beauty in what is there. We must find beauty and rejoice in the wonders that God has already placed in our lives. Who knows, the answer might be something we have already been looking at or something we have had from the very beginning. What I do know is that everything has already been placed by God in this world. What we await is the moment He chooses to reveal them to us, and we can never see it unless we keep an open heart and an open ear to His voice… His leading.

So in this, I have one prayer…

Lord, may we be blessed always, by Your grace to be brave to open our hearts to what is already good and already beautiful in our lives. May we be generous in love with one another to never take what and who we have in our lives for granted. For all we know, while we ask and seek for ‘greater’ things, what we already have is an answered prayer. Regardless, may we always be grateful and thankful for all the small and grand things You have given us for as far as we know, what we may already have is something others are seeking. So I pray that we will be able to always wait patiently and to also wait with gratefulness and see that we are always blessed, right where we are.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

Amen.

On an otherwise typical Sunday afternoon, I was walking leisurely by myself in a crowded place. The cool summer air blew, bringing along with it the slight fragrance of flowers. As I approached a street corner, I stopped, yielding to oncoming traffic — that which of course had the right of way. At that moment, for no apparent reason, I suddenly imagined a little boy standing next to me.

His name was David, I knew that he was my son.

As the crowd of people around us waited patiently for our turn cross the street, a tennis ball came seemingly out of nowhere and caught the attention of my son. As innocent, naive and ignorant as he was, he dashed after the tennis ball narrowly avoiding the oncoming traffic. My heart dropped and a sigh of relief escaped my body as I saw the traffic lights turn green.

Then without warning, an unremarkable car, like any other — in which I can only imagine was trying to beat the yellow light from moments before — came out of nowhere and hit my son.

And there it was, the cool summer air once again blowing, this time carrying the scent of death.

As I heard tires come to a screeching halt, I ran over to David clutching him in my arms, tears in my eyes and a terrible pain in my heart causing my entire being to tremble uncontrollably. I turned around to see the man who hit my son get out of his car, a single tear running down his face. That’s all I needed to see.

I walked over to this man, and fighting every instinct in my body, I hugged him. How shaken must his soul be after doing what he did? How could he forgive himself for what he’s done if I can’t be there to forgive him first, and help him forgive himself?

Suddenly, as if nothing happened I snapped back to reality. Standing on the same street corner I realized that no more than 5 seconds had passed, yet I felt a deep longing to lift up a prayer of thanksgiving to the Lord for how he forgives me time and time again.

– – – –

This waking dream illustrates my desire to be a forgiving person, but when it comes time to test my character, will expectation meet reality?

Only if I recognize our capacity for forgiveness, found in the Lord.

– Jesse R.
“I Am, and We are Missionaries”

The Lord made it exceptionally clear as to why He’s moved me forward but there are times I turn around and just reminisce. This is where I lose focus, and start to feel the anxiety and somewhat pain I went through in the past.

Don’t you just feel that sometimes you just have unfinished business with someone else. And although we’ve learned to be the bigger person and let it go, you can’t help but think of what exactly would happened if you did reach out for that “closure”? We no longer feel like the bigger person.

I found myself holding a grudge, that although I told myself I was over it, I was still hurting. I couldn’t admit to myself that they hurt me and because I pushed it so far behind me, I still face the consequences today by burdening myself.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Christ does not fail to show how deeply He loves me whether or not I reach out to Him in such difficult times. My heart becomes so fragile when I turn back to this situation because this person just meant so much to me. They also fail to recognize that what they’ve done also hurt me a lot. But Christ also reminds us that in order to really be free from any hurt is to truly forgive the person of all wrong doing. This will also help you move forward with Christ.

Dear God, help me to realize that people will be people, and that fallen people, even those I trust, will sometimes hurt me. Cast away the burdens I’m facing because I know they are not a part of Your will. Right now I do not understand Your ways but strengthen me to accept Your will. Grant me the grace right now to let go of my hurt. I entrust this situation to you. I thank You that I am in good hands. You are the God of truth. Keep me pressing forward. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I was sitting at my desk a few weeks back, browsing through a Vanity Fair magazine that one of my coworkers had left in the hallway for us to read. Yes, I know, the name of the magazine is “Vanity Fair,” and although it is a rarity for me to peruse a magazine rather than a book; when I do read a magazine, I go from cover to cover, making sure to read each article carefully. Surprisingly, the magazine had some pretty good pieces! I found myself reading about the evolution (and consequent decline) of the printed newspaper, to the war in Syria and missing foreign reporters. I was highlighting little glimpses of goodness and in my mind I was attesting these to God. Here’s an example:

“Former Times executive editor Bill Keller just quit the paper to help start a non-profit to cover justice issues. Paul Steiger, formerly managing editor of The Wall Street Journal, founded ProPublica – a non-profit that produces top-quality investigative journalism.” I nodded as I read these, yup, there’s God.

Goodness in this world of ours, especially here in the first world, is much rarer a find than I would like. A much rarer find than God would like. Among the clothing, make-up and perfume advertisements, here I was, looking for goodness. It’s okay, right? Reading magazines like this? To dip my feet into the world, and still be completely of God’s? But then I started to think… What if I were to become part of the world again, could I still be of God’s? I always fiercely believed it was one or the other, and this is a stance I try and advocate for. “We are not of the world, we are of God’s,” “if you stand with the majority, rethink where you stand,” etc. etc.

This is something I’ve been trying to come to terms with lately. (Note: this lack of busy-ness was pre-TNC prep) I had quiet lulls in my day and I found some afternoons free to meet up with old friends whom I haven’t seen in at least a year, if not more. I’ll write briefly about these two encounters here.

The first of these meetings was with my childhood bestfriend, who now has this beautiful almost-one-year-old. I had spent time with her last at the hospital, where I curled up next to her baby on the bed, giving her some time to relax and shower. As she took her seat in front of me, her first words were to ask me what my skincare routine was, did I change my foundation, did I start shopping at different stores now, etc. etc. But after receiving our large bowls of soup, I looked at her with awe and amazement as she patiently and lovingly kissed her baby boy’s nose and tickled him in between spoonfuls of broth. A lot has happened since we were young… our birthdays were a day apart and I had met her when I was five, since our moms had been roommates here in Canada. We went to the same elementary school together, and after every school day, she would be at my house. However, although our similarities as children were mild (I was very into power rangers, she… well… wasn’t), we started growing up and the differences became more pronounced. She started liking boys and wearing makeup eons before I did, and there were times, even up until our late teens, when I no longer thought we would be able to reconcile such vast differences. Time, distance, and different groups of friends only made the schism between us grow. After pho, we shopped together and she began “swatching” (the act of taking a lipstick and swiping it on your hand to see the colour) and telling me to get different shades, which although at first hesitant, I finally succumbed to. She’s always been girly, with different boyfriends, and up until today, she manages to look like someone who’s “youtube famous” (LOL, yes I just used that term).

The second of these meetings was with my highschool bestfriend. We were going to eat lunch at a Greek restaurant in Little Italy, where I work. As I sat in my seat sipping water, I glanced up and saw her walking to the restaurant from her parked car. At first glance, I was surprised to see her, as pretty as I had remembered. She had reminded me very much of Victoria Beckham, who she still sort of resembles, both subtly in her features, but more-so in the way she dresses and carries herself. Through the years, this friendship too endured its fair share of stressors. I was falling more in love with God and increasing my service, while all along, I was never really quite sure what her sentiments were about Him. Was she agnostic? Atheist? Like the first friend, I was unsure how to close the gap between us that had formed. We were too different now, right? But lunch together was just as it had been back when we were inseparable. We spoke about work, our aspirations about the future, travels… it wasn’t the same awkwardness that I had experienced when I was with her and our old group of friends. How they laughed and spoke of things I didn’t really… well, not that I didn’t understand… but more like things that I found unable to relate to. After lunch, we went into the store next to the restaurant, and for 20 minutes, I pretended to care about 200 dollar jeans and hundred dollar shirts.

So why did I go on at great lengths about these encounters? Because, as I had said up there: this was me, dipping my toes back into the world. We often refer to our non-CFC-Youth friends as our “secular” friends, and I am definitely guilty of doing this. And although I had made life-long friends within the community, I am now at a point where I wonder and worry about the relationships I had left behind. There must be a reason why God had wanted me to talk to them again… and with my first friend, I was able to speak to her briefly about God (and His love for us, hayyy talk 1), but with my second, I found it much more difficult. I’ve been praying for courage to speak about my life as a missionary (which is in itself, sort of difficult to explain), and perhaps suggest the idea of a loving God to her.

Shortly after these encounters and even more wondering on my part… God had answered me. I’ve been slowly reading the Imitation of Mary, and right there, smack in the pages, He answered me. Here is what it said:

“Find your delight then, in living far from the world and pay no heed to yourself apart from necessity. And when necessity does force you to take heed, be like the dove that, when forced to leave the ark, returned immediately because outside it could find no place alight… Bear in mind that never yet have you had dealings with the world without being worse off in God’s eyes than when you began.” – pg.35

“Can anyone breathe the poisoned air of the world without being infected by it? Pull back often into solitude and breathe its purer air.” – pg. 36

In those pages, I found my answer. No matter how we like to deceive ourselves, believing that in moderation, going back to our old ways and past indulgences would be okay, it really isn’t. If I went into these encounters without God in my heart, then it would have been in vain. My love for my friends does not mean that I regress back into my former self, or the person the world (or my friends) want me to be. My love for my friends means that I also want them to experience the love of the Father that longs and pursues them, just as much as he continues to long and pursue me.

“The world and all it contains is as nothing to the man whom God is everything.”